I have had two people close to me lost everything they owned in house fires. One was due to an electrical problem in the house, the other from a wildfire that changed course at the last minute.
For both of these people, there was ZERO time to prepare. The electrical fire came without warning. The wildfire blew in so fast, that friend was given three minutes to evacuate.
Three days after the housefire, a neighbor gave my friend a care package with a hairbrush, soap/shampoo and a toothbrush. My friend stared at the toothbrush; she was so wrapped up in her house that continued to burn, that she forgot there was such a thing as a toothbrush.
A fire doesn’t just take things—it distorts pieces of a life. Beyond the physical loss of home, loss of belongings, and loss of keepsakes, it corrodes all memories tied to those objects.
You know how you arrive home after a hard day, or a long trip and you feel the relief of being home? All of the victims of the many fires raging through California right now have lost that feeling of home.
Yes. They also lost their child’s car seat, their great grandmother’s handmade quilt and their wedding ring. It’s staggering to think of every part of life that has been destroyed.
Feelings. Ideas. Routines. Comfort. Safety.
When the insurance company showed up after the electrical fire, the adjuster asked my friend if she had a copy of her insurance paperwork.
She stared at him blankly from the makeshift office in her back yard—what the….? She lost absolutely everything in the fire. She said, “The paperwork is in the kitchen, on the top shelf of the hutch. That’s where I kept all of my important paperwork.”
He nodded and said it would go and get it. Then he looked up and apologized profusely.
My friend nodded. She kept wanting to reach for things in her house, too.
As hard as this devastation is, adults have some ability to handle this. Children don’t have the ability to accept change this fast.
When the war started in Ukraine, a Ukrainian friend and her husband and three children used their hands to dig their car out of a snowdrift so they could get out of the country as fast as possible. Her son (under the age of 10) has autism. He kept asking to go home. He kept asking to go to a restaurant. He kept asking for ice cream.
They couldn’t give him any of the things he wanted; they were literally trying to save themselves from the bombs dropping from the sky. The boy moaned and screamed from the backseat: discomfort had never been easy for him. (Yes, they made it to Krakow. They are still there.)
As of this morning, as many as 10,000 homes have been destroyed in the California fires.
I am thinking of the victims.
Some of these people have no house insurance due to insurance companies changing policies. Some victims were already dealing with health emergencies. Some of these people are autistic -- any change is painful.
And the children.
Some of these children were to have a birthday party today – something they looked forward to for months. Some children want to go to school. Some of these children are devastated to lose their comfort blanket, their bug collection, their pillow, their video games.
When someone you care about has lost everything to a fire, robbery, or disaster of any kind, finding the right words to say can feel impossible. These lists offer simple ways to provide support while avoiding phrases that might cause more pain.
Do NOT Say:
The Do-Not-Say List: Supporting California Fire / Disaster Victims
When someone experiences the devastation of a fire, looting, or disaster, finding the right words to support them can be overwhelming.
After a Disaster: The Do-Not-Say List
Here are phrases to avoid; they can hurt more than help:
At least you’re alive
You can always rebuild
Everything happens for a reason
Insurance will cover it
I know how you feel
It’s just stuff
Others have it worse
You’re lucky it wasn’t worse
You’ll bounce back stronger
Why didn’t you evacuate sooner?
After a Disaster: What to Say: Supporting California Fire / Disaster Victims
Offering support to victims of disaster isn’t about solving the problem—it’s about being present and compassionate. Here are ways to show you care:
It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling—there’s no right way to get through this.
I’m in shock and can’t even imagine how to move forward.
I have no answers; I’m here for you every step of the way.
I’m here to listen, cry with you, or just sit with you—whatever you need.
Is there some small need I can help with right now? Takeout? A toothbrush?
You’re not alone in this—I’ll be here for you, no matter what.
Let me take care of X for you so you can focus on yourself.
You’ve been through so much. Let’s take it one day at a time.
I’m going to call you every day at 6:00 PM and leave you a ten-second message of love. You don’t have to answer the phone; just know that I am here.
Want to Download these steps? Click HERE
Print it out and keep it handy to reference during difficult conversations.
Share it with friends and family who want to learn how to offer meaningful support.
Use it as a reminder to focus on empathy and understanding when comforting others.
By sharing these words and actions, you can provide genuine comfort to those navigating unimaginable loss.
Wait.... is it you?
You?
If you are in the middle of a devastating life event, I join you in the shock. I offer you disbelief. I remind you that there is no way to make this easier: for now, plan one day at a time. You need food. You need water. You need a way to stay warm/cool/protected from the elements.
Find a moment of peace. One moment. Breathe in. Breathe out. Again. Again.
Be gentle with yourself. This is very hard. This is trying. It will take a long time until things feel okay again.
Please know that every night – for the next year – I will be sending you love at 6:00 PM your time. May this love buoy you.
With love,
Holly
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